Life With a Merchant Navy Partner

Hello again,

Today, I thought I would chit chat about what life was like with a partner in the Merchant Navy. We will call him Mr B.

Mr B, fortunately, gave in his notice just before we were wed and is now at home full time, working his little socks off shore side. But the memories of what it was like are still raw and not that far away.

Firstly, I should say that when I met Mr B he was already well on his to his career in the Merchant Navy so we didn’t have to go through the agonising decision as to whether he should join up or not.

For those not in the know (the majority of people everywhere), the Merchant Navy isn’t a force like the Army, Navy or RAF, you don’t go to war. The Merchant Navy is for ships carrying cargo, like, oil, containers, food and supplies for supporting the real-life navy. Mr B worked on cruise ships (his cargo was people) as an engineer in the lowly parts of the ship fixing all the engines and sewage works and things in the engine room.

When we first met, Mr B was training in Southampton which is literally the other end of the country from me and we would travel to and from Southampton every other weekend to see each other (although I have to admit, he did a little more of the travelling than I did). I was just starting out on my career and I suppose neither of us had that much money. I think at that time, I didn’t really have a concept of what our lives were going to be like. I remember the very, very first weekend he came to stay. He said “You realise if we are together, I will be going to sea for three months at a time, are you ok with that?” I took about twenty seconds to think about it before saying yes. I think if I’m completely honest, I liked the idea of it. Like I was going to be some sort of hero’s wife awaiting his return and a complete martyr for waiting for all that time. Something people would find interesting and sacrificial. But as time went on, no one really ever said those things to me and I got the distinct impression that people thought I was a fool for hanging around whilst he was on the other side of the world. Those were the friends I began to see a lot less of.

Mr B and I saw many, many of his friends go through times of girls saying they would wait for them, only to send a Dear John three weeks later when the wait got a little bit too hard or they met someone else. I remember the first time Mr B went to sea, we had been together about five months and he was due to go away for three. I made him a massive collage of photographs of the two of us and his family and on the reverse made a countdown for his return. I watched the on-board webcam like a hawk every day and tracked his travels around the world. I was living at home at this point and my Mum’s phone would show ‘international’ call every time he rang. Half way through his trip, I drove to Southampton to see him. An eleven hour round trip and overnight stay for the four or five hours we saw each other.

It killed me to know that I could never pick up the phone and call him and that I had to wait for his calls. There were times he was out of signal and I wouldn’t hear for three or four days. Text messages were few and far between because they were so costly and he was often ending up with £150+ phone bills at the end of the month. Because he was only a cadet at this point, I couldn’t travel with him and all I could do was sit and wait for his return. I had absolutely no control and for a control freak like me this was hard. There were times if we were arguing on the phone, he would put the phone down and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I couldn’t call him back, I couldn’t make him answer my text messages. That’s the worst thing they can do, put the phone down, but perhaps they know it.

I think in these kinds of situations, whether it’s the Merchant Navy, Royal Navy, Airforce or Army or any other kind of jobs meaning long periods of time apart, the individuals who are left at home have three choices.  They can either; sit at home, alone, and wait. Go completely wild and off the scale, drinking and partying most nights. Or decide that life will be just the same whether the other half is at home or not. I chose the latter. Throughout his whole time in the Merchant Navy, whether Mr B was at home or not, my life continued just the same. And most of all he never stopped me. He never said “Don’t go and see your friends, stay here with me”, he let me live my life and that kind of mutual understanding is important. My friends were wholly brilliant, they were completely understanding and knew that when Mr B was at home, I might not see them as much but that was my choice and not his. And they were really, when I think about it, encouraging me to spend more time with him, one-on-one.

When Mr B eventually qualified after three years and we moved in together, I think things got harder by about ten fold. I suppose I didn’t really have that close family support network right in the next room when Mr B was at sea and I felt like I needed to be a grown up and be strong now I was officially making my way in the world.

Because he was now qualified, it meant I could now join Mr B on the ship for ‘holidays’. My first trip was a twenty-three night cruise to the Caribbean – yes I really threw myself in at the deep end!! It was from the 17^th December to the 9^th January, so all over Christmas and New Year and it was far, far, far from my expectations. Mr B was working every single day and I was about to spend my first Christmas and New Year without my family but I so desperately didn’t want him to be alone on Christmas Day. I was so lonely on that cruise and the trip back from the Caribbean to the UK was a long one with the majority of the days at sea. There were storms so the weather was rubbish and I spent the majority of my time sleeping, eating and watching films. Yes, I 100%, completely hold my hands up that I should have got more involved with the other people on board but it is hard when everybody knows each other and has been working / living with each other for three months already and they become less interested in an engineer’s girlfriend which they probably suspect they won’t see again. The passengers are older and usually travel in pairs. I was SO lucky to be aboard this fantastic ship, seeing amazing places around the world for FREE! But over the next couple of years, I was spending a lot of my annual leave on board waiting for Mr B to finish work so we could go to dinner. But that’s what we did. We didn’t want to be apart for three months at a time so I went on board to break it up.

Don’t get me wrong, I have seen some unbelievable places and Mr B has managed to sneak an hour off here and there, because what people don’t realise is that the Merchant Navy crew work every. single. day. they are on board. We snorkelled with sea turtles on Barbados beach, went on a Gondola in Venice, ate fresh pizza in Barcelona market, enjoyed many, many cocktails on board but we always knew Mr B was at work and it was something he couldn’t get away from. A few times at dinner his little mobile phone would ring and he’d be off to some engine emergency.

I would meet other wives and girlfriends on board, some of much senior officers. They had stood by their men for over twenty years. Had children by them. Brought those children up in an almost single parent family. Every time I would speak to them, I would fill with dread thinking that my life could end up leading the same path, waiting for twenty plus years. I never ever wanted to ask Mr B to come home because 1) he probably wouldn’t have done it anyway!! And 2) I didn’t want him to resent me for it later in his life. The woman who made him leave his life at sea he loved so much. So I didn’t. I didn’t say anything. I don’t know whether he knew I wanted him to come home, I’ve never really asked him.

What begins to happen over time is that all that tracking and hanging on to which port is next, begins to wane. I think you get to a point when you think, ‘I know they are at sea for X amount of days, I’m just going to try to get through those days and not think about it.’ People would ask me where he was in the world and sometimes I’d have no clue. You begin to wish your life away and can’t wait for the next time you meet your loved one and that’s hard because you might be missing things that are happening right in front of your eyes at home.

Our lives did become easier when Mr B found a phone contract with unlimited worldwide internet and we could message to our heart’s content on WhatsApp without any astronomical fees. We could send pictures of the people and places we were seeing and I’ll be honest, it did ease a lonely heart.

There is a cycle that some clever experts have researched and talked about. Its basic premise is to say that WAGs are anxious just before their partners go to sea because they don’t want them to go. Then they are distraught when they have gone because they are lonely. Then they settle into a normal day-to-day life and are quite happy without them. Then they become anxious about their return. Then they are elated because they are back. Then angry because they are ruining their usual routine. Then settle into a life together. Then anxious again because they are about to leave. And on and on and on. I definitely, DEFINITELY went through this cycle many times and once Mr B had been gone about a week, I was perfectly happy living alone, in my own space, seeing my friends and family. In fact I pretty much liked it. When Mr B was on leave and at home, there were problems there also. I would be cross that he was making a mess or moving things around from their allotted place. I would HATE having to go to work and leaving him all day by himself in ultimately a place where he hardly knew anyone aside from my family and friends. He couldn’t truly become involved in anything when he was at home, like rugby or the RNLI because he would only be here for six / seven weeks at a time. He didn’t have a job here so he couldn’t make work mates to go out with. I became the complete focus of his life at home and he would wait all day for my return. That is quite an overwhelming position to be in if I’m honest. You can feel suffocated.

It wasn’t really a normal life. For either of us. I can only imagine how he must have felt. Having to leave home with just a suitcase of his belongings. Living in a small cabin with no windows or natural light. Not knowing who you would be living and working with for the next few months. But by all accounts he did have some amazing times. He saw the world about three times. Earned a shed load of money. Drank. Ate. Made some great friends and had lots of laughs. 

I seem to be painting a pretty dull picture here, but Mr B and I have had some unbelievably amazing times over the last five years. But it turned out not to be the life for us, and as we move into the future and I think it would have suited us less and less.

Life with a Merchant Navy partner is hard, there are absolutely no two ways about it. But the rewards can be enough. The lure of tax free money and free holidays. In our case, when weighing up that delicate balance of life, it seemed as though that lure wasn’t enough to tempt us, when stacked up against our time and love.

I think about the absolutely angels that live with partners in the armed forces and how they cope with not only the long periods of time apart, but the added complication of danger, without the beauties of money and holidays. That - that is something I cannot even begin to comprehend. Those people have my everything.

Speak soon,

L xx